Thursday, December 18, 2008

Eddy Curry: Big, Tall, Sued

Is that Corky from 'Life Goes On' on the right?Casual Male sued Eddy Curry for failing to pay for over $40,000 of clothing.  When you sit on the bench in street clothes, you need a big wardrobe.  Perhaps coincidentally, Scott Skiles used to refer to Curry as the "casual male" on defense.

Monday, December 8, 2008

How To Roll a Blount

Blount gets smokedFormer Bulls power forward Corie Blount was arrested in Ohio with 29 pounds of marijuana. Somewhere in Chicago, Joakim Noah shed a tear. Blount's arrest is somewhat surprising given that he graduated with a degree in criminal justice earlier this summer. Student loans are the worst.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Eddy Curry Is A Real Ball Buster, Obese

Eddy Curry has more scoops than reboundsFrom Frank Isola's Knicks Knation blog:

Poor Eddy Curry. He sat on the giant blue physio-ball during a break from Monday’s practice and the ball exploded. Eddy fell and scraped his wrist but should be okay. The ball, which is used for stretching exercises, was pronounced dead at the scene.
Trainer Tim Grover might want to re-think including Curry's name on the ATTACK Athletics client list.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Michael Jordan: Porn Star


There has been a lot of talk recently comparing Michael Jordan to Kobe Bryant.  Highlighting one stark difference, here is a story about Jordan getting with a woman in Colorado that does not end in a trial.

In the video above, aging porn star Kylie Ireland details the night the '93 Bulls visited Denver's Diamond Cabaret strip club. As a below average white girl who could probably lose a few pounds, she immediately captivated Michael Jordan and he asked her back to his room. After clearing the tryst with her then-husband, Ireland agreed. MJ shoehorned himself into the starlet's Honda Del Sol and the pair hightailed it back to the hotel. Before getting down to business, Jordan realized he did not have any protection.  Jordan made a call and, moments later, condoms were slipped under the door (courtesy of John Paxson, according to the radio host above). Ireland subsequently recounted the encounter in the well-known literary magazine Sexpose.

Ireland never again reached the rarified celebrity of Michael Jordan, going on to be romanced by the likes of Richard Dreyfuss, Grandpa Munster, Scott Baio and the gay Neal Patrick Harris. She later shot the cinematic masterpiece Face Jam based on her night with Jordan. Confused, I rented that video in '97 hoping that it was a documentary on the Horace Grant - Joan Esposito affair.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Super Mario's Career Off To Great Start

KU has the hottest chicks, broMarch Madness hero Mario Chalmers was thrown out of the NBA's rookie transition program on Wednesday morning after being caught in his hotel room with marijuana and women.  If the pair in the photo were the women in Chalmers' hotel room, I can understand why he needed the weed.

Friday, August 22, 2008

John Tesh: Street Status



People enjoy laughing at John Tesh, but I'd like to remind everyone that he wrote the greatest song in NBA history. Roundball Rock was the theme for NBC's NBA coverage during the Bulls' glory years. When I hear this song, I don't know if I want to shoot a game winning three or rob someone at gunpoint for their Air Jordans. Maybe both. Roundball Rock is like the basketball version of MOP's Ante Up.

Make jokes about Tesh's band collar shirt and embroidered vest, but don't try to tell me that you don't feel like flipping cars over on Division Street when you hear Roundball Rock during NBC's Olympic basketball coverage. Anyone who can dress like a gay waiter and rock a 12 piece orchestra to inspire sports related violence is worthy of Bench Duhon's Medal of Honor.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

A Stunning Likeness

Michael Jordan loves buffets

You can be the owner of this incredible t-shirt featuring an airbushed image of an obese Michael Jordan.  Available on eBay for only $50, this is the perfect tee for Weight Watchers meetings, auditions for "What Not to Wear" and matching with your boo at Great America.  The seller also offers other shirts, but it is unknown if fat versions of other NBA players are available. I'd be interested in a fat Kukoc hoodie.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Note to Cedric Simmons: Do Not Paint Your Car Black and Red


Maybe Jamal Crawford wants to buy former Knick Renaldo Balkman's Chevy Caprice. Even Walt Frazier thought the basketball shaped speaker grilles were over the top. This car is destined to join Cam'Ron's pink Range Rover as an all-time joke eBay legend.

In any case, doing something this ridiculous virtually guarantees that you will be traded (sort of like me buying a Kendall Gill Hornets authentic 24 hours before he was traded to the Sonics).

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Rose Regulates Adidas, Ready for Next Episode

Derrick Rose rocks it 'til the wheels fall offHours after inking an endorsement deal with Adidas, Derrick Rose was spotted celebrating with Nate Dogg (at far right). Warren G was unavailable for comment as Subway does not allow employees to take personal phone calls.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Soundtrack to Bench Duhon

Kobe gives this dunk a 10For the people who thought Gerald Green's socks and Dwight Howard's Superman cape were interesting dunk accessories, allow me to introduce Top Dog.  Eschewing bare feet and superhero outfits, Top Dog takes flight in gators and a lime blazer. The gabardine trousers alone make Josh Smith's 'Nique throwback look uninspired by comparison.

I'm impressed-- although I heard that it took Top Dog 14 tries to get this photo (like Nate Robinson in the 2006 dunk contest).

Big shout out to Zone-Loc for the tip!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Duhon Has Always Been #1 In Our Hearts

Chris Duhon is number one (in terms of number of wide open threes missed) From Newsday.com:

Among NBA players, Duhon has a reputation for partying. "My personal life is my personal life," Duhon said. "My main focus here is to compete and make the New York Knicks a better team. That's my main goal and focus. I don't really comment about anything like that."
That's OK; we've got it covered.

Monday, July 7, 2008

My Point Guard Wants to Party All the Time

Chris Duhon likes them brown, yellow, Puerto Rican or HaitianDuhon's signing with New York initially raised some eyebrows among Knicks brass. According to Frank Isola:

Duhon's lifestyle concerned team officials, who felt that the 25-year-old enjoyed the nightlife too much. When Duhon played at Duke, he would often sleep at the house of coach Mike Krzyzewski to prevent him from staying out late.
In an effort to keep an eye on Duhon, Donnie Walsh suggested he sleep at Mike D'Antoni's house, but Danilo Gallinari is already crashing on the couch. Isiah Thomas has expressed some concern that D'Antoni and Gallinari will get pumped up watching Sylvester Stallone movies and demand that Duhon buy them some Jujy Fruits. On the positive side, Gallinari can help Stephon Marbury rent an apartment in Italy now that Duhon is certain to take all of his minutes.

In the photo above, not even a popped collar and a quartet of mediocre girls can make a forlorn-looking Duhon forget about shooting under 39% this season.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Duhon Signs With Knicks, Looks Suspect in Club

Chris Duhon likes the strong and silent typeIt's official: Chris Duhon is now New York's problem. Donnie Walsh channeled the ghost of Isiah Thomas as C-Du declared his independence from the Bulls and agreed to a 2 year deal with the Knicks. Duhon's cell phone blew up like July 4 fireworks from Bulls fans offering to drive him to the airport.

It will be interesting to see how Duhon works in Mike D'Antoni's offense. Duhon has often been compared to Steve Nash in that neither player can guard anyone. Aside from that, Knicks fans can expect ice-cold shooting and a dazzling array of novelty t-shirts. The Bulls expect Larry Hughes to fill the bad shooting void left by Duhon.

New York star spotters hoping to catch a glimpse of their new point guard should keep their eyes trained on any place average-looking white girls get together. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to get the champagne out of the refrigerator.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Glen Davis is Here, Get Used to It

A celebration of Chicago's 39th Annual Pride Parade would not be complete without some photos of the Celtics' Glen Davis wearing a feather boa.

Glen Davis waves goodbye to his street credibilityBelow, Glen Davis delights Tyrus Thomas and the Baton Rouge crowd with his rendition of Diana Ross' "I'm Coming Out."

Tyrus wishes this was happening at a karaoke bar and not on CBS
In all seriousness, someone should knock on Tim Hardaway's door to make sure he's still breathing.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

It's Raining Glen Davis

Does licking and caressing a giant ball make me look gay?  No?  What about getting a champagne shower from a circle of dudes while I dance?  OK, thanks.


Glen Davis licks balls
Champagne bukkake
Is this blog getting too sexual?
Tony Allen reenacts his favorite Peter North scene
This last photo earned the Celtics' Glen Davis honorary membership in Bear Force One.The NBA is flabtastic

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Kobe: "It Tastes Like a First Round Loss to the Spurs"



Some observations on Shaq's 8 Mile moment:

The clock is ticking on the first YouTube loser and/or unknown DJ to release his "remix" of the Shaq rap. Vegas has the over/under at 8 hours.

"Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes" is destined to join Black Bart Simpson, Stop Snitchin' and the Jeezy Snowman as a Taste of Chicago t-shirt design hall of famer.

This is not the first time Shaq dissed an NBA opponent in song. Below, Shaq channels Sam Malone to send a message to the Sacramento Kings. Vlade Divc did not return our calls regarding how Shaq's ass tasted in 2002.



Don't forget that Kobe is also known to put heads to bed on the mic. Following the trail blazed by Vanilla Ice and Naomi Campbell, Bryant and Tyra Banks rock the house in the video below.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Celtics Win Championship, Look Gay

Glen Davis needs a bearskin rug and pearlsThe Boston Celtics won their 17th championship by manhandling the L.A. Lakers. It was the second biggest margin of victory in finals history behind the Bulls' 96-54 win over Utah in 1998.

Also being manhandled: the Larry O'Brien Trophy by Glen "Big Costanza" Davis. Shown above, Davis gets his John Amaechi on in one of the few boudoir photos taken by NBA photographers.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Bulls Fans Liked Him Better on Happy Days

At least Joanie loves VinnyAfter an agonizing coaching search (which included roundball luminaries such as Mike Dunlap and seemingly excluded only Ken Reeves and Nick Nolte), the Bulls are hiring Vinny Del Negro, the only candidate with no coaching experience. 

Note to Paxson: All Italian people do not look the same. We know he's not D'Antoni!

Monday, May 26, 2008

Hennessy Got Noah Not Knowing How To Act

Sunglasses from the Elton John CollectionIs anyone really surprised that Joakim Noah was arrested for misdemeanor alcohol and marijuana possession? This story reinforces the old adage that no matter how successful you are, you will never outgrow drinking Henny in the street from a red Solo cup while scoping college girls.

Quick cognac story: Two summers ago, I was shopping at a Dominick's in Chicago when Shawn Marion pulled up in a customized white-on-white Dodge Magnum, parked in a handicapped spot and ran in to buy a bottle of Hennessy. I always thought Tim Grover's fitness regimen called for Alizé and not Henn-rock, but I'm not an athletic trainer, so what do I know?

Friday, May 16, 2008

Friday, May 9, 2008

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

MVP Runner Up Wins Booby Prize

CP3 looks like a deer in headlights Cheesing it up with girls from Dave & Busters Shoney's probably cost Chris Paul the MVP award.

Photo originally posted on The Dirty.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

The Chronic

Josh Howard is Dallas' most blunted I was going to get out of the first round of the playoffs, but then I got high.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Lebron James' Back Defeats Cavaliers

The ghosts of NBA Draft past and presentThe Bulls beat the Cavaliers on Friday night, taking 3 of 4 from the James Gang on the season. Lebreezy dropped 24 in the first quarter, but was held to only 10 more the rest of the game. Coach Mike Brown has the thinnest playbook in the East (i.e., give it to Lebron), so once the Bulls (or James' back) neutralized him, it was a done deal for the 6 time world champs.

Chris Duhon and Jason Williams graduated Duke with the degree made famous by Josh Lewis' Myspace page. They also each minored in "wasting Bulls draft picks."  If only Williams' motorcycle had a side car, the Bulls would not have had to endure the Duhon Era. In any event, this photo must have been taken outside of Durham because these girls are a step up from the Z-listers (with high SAT scores!) they got with at Duke (making these girls Y-listers).

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Patrick Ewing: Real American Hero

Ewing believes the children are the futureCharley Rosen tells a moving story about recent Hall of Fame inductee Patrick Ewing:

One afternoon after a game day shootaround, Ewing was chauffeured to a hospital where he was scheduled to visit a ward housing children with terminal diseases. Ewing always resisted extracurricular activities (except for his well-publicized adulterous dalliance with one of the Knicks dancers), and he groused all the way to the hospital. When he finally got there, the poor kids were all aglow at his presence. But Ewing cut his visit short. And when a few of these tragic children begged him for an autograph, Ewing refused, saying, "I never sign autographs on game days."
In the photo above, Ewing enjoys a meal with his family, Miss Indiana Black Expo '92 and a dancer from Coming to America.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Duhon 08

Duhon hopes Obama names him Secretary of Bad Shooting The Bulls' playoff hopes came to an end as the team was beaten in Miami by a collection of D-Leaguers and guys on 10 day contracts. Just two weeks after he drove me to work in a cab, Kasib Powell led the Heat in scoring. Not much to say about this one, except that the Bulls are no-heart losers who owe their fans refunds.

At one point in his career, Barack Obama had to fend off concerns over his youthful indiscretions. I'm not sure that being photographed with the Black Matt Leinart enhances his credibility.  Thankfully, Jeremiah Wright, Kim Kardashian and the Ghost of Hitler are out of frame, sparing Obama further embarrassment.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Do the Du

Why is only one person in this photo dancing?Chris Duhon got busy in last night's loss to the Wizards, scoring 2 points on 25% shooting in 15 minutes.  Young Du can also get busy on the dance floor, as seen in the photo above.  Eastern Europe has some of the world's best discothèques, so look for him to feel at home next season playing for Zubry Bialystok. I heard the Vengaboys make at least two stops in Poland each year.  Who else is up for a road trip?

Friday, April 4, 2008

Chris Duhon: Trillionaire

Chris Duhon is the Janice Dickenson of the NBA Chris Duhon saw limited minutes in a dramatic win over the Cavaliers, scoring a rarified two trillion (i.e., 2 minutes and 0s in all other statistical categories) in the process. Bravo, Duhon!

Drawn to average looking girls like a moth to a flame, Duhon cannot resist ruining the photo of four Chicago partygoers.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Larry Legend

Ladies love lousy shot selectionChris Duhon is not the only Bull to look good in novelty tees. Here, Larry Hughes gets his Hot Topic on and clears up all rumors that he's in love with a stripper.

Larry's 0-6 shooting night in a loss to the Celtics also cleared up rumors that he should start on an NBA basketball team. Larry proved that he is the most versatile non-scorer in the game right now, missing layups, mid-range jumpers and 3s with equal ease. Hughes can create his own turnover both on and off the ball. Someone needs to alert the Hall of Fame to this performance:

First Quarter
4:20 Larry Hughes misses 19-foot two point shot

Second Quarter
9:22 Larry Hughes misses jumper
7:56 Larry Hughes misses 25-foot three point jumper
4:33 Larry Hughes misses 19-foot jumper

Third Quarter
8:26 Larry Hughes bad pass (Rajon Rondo steals)
7:37 Larry Hughes misses layup
7:16 Larry Hughes misses 18-foot jumper
[Benched]

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Where Apathy Happens

Duhon is armed, dangerous and a bad shooterThe Bulls rallied from 22 down to come back to lose to the Hawks in dramatic fashion. Chris Duhon came out of the mothballs to flex the guns and score 7 points on 33% shooting. This loss puts the Bulls 4 games out of the playoff chase with only 10 games to go. As the poet once said, "it's a fajita" for the Bulls' playoff hopes. Look for tickets to remaining games at the UC on eBay for 10 cents on the dollar.

Next season, I do not think Duhon's novelty t-shirts will be as funny in Eastern Europe as they are in the U.S. I heard the Ukrainian Urban Outfitters has shirts in Russian which should have Duhon covered, though. Top sellers include "Stalin is my Homeboy" and "Who is strong like oxen? This guy."

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Drew Gooden is Mistaken

The G.O.A.T.Drew Gooden, who is shooting 0% on 3s and averages 1 assist and less than a block a game this season, recently gave this modest self-assessment:

"I possess the tools. I don't want to sound cocky, but I think I possess everything. I feel like I can pass, block shots, play great defense, play help defense, shoot threes. I believe that I can do it all. "

I say the same thing every time I put down the controller after a successful game of NBA Live 08. The difference between me and Gooden is that I can back it up. Last night, Gooden shot 0-5 for 2 points in 20 minutes in a humiliating loss to the Sixers, while the Palos Hills Toros beat the Lakers by 60 points on Xbox Live.

Advantage: me (and reality).

In Duhon news, C-Du got some nice garbage minutes last night. Duhon scraping himself from the bench reminded me of the Kansas woman whose caboose adhered to a toilet after years of sitting.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Bulls Lose on Purpose

Joakim looks for a way outJim Boylan's superpower is to blow double digit fourth quarter leads by playing inane lineups.  The latest evidence was last night's loss to the Pacers in which Boylan found a way to squander a 13 point advantage in the fourth.  There are about 6 reasons why Boylan blew the game, but putting the shaky defense of 6-3 Ben Gordon on 6-9 Mike Dunleavy (who scored 13 in the fourth) is a main one.  Joakim Noah went for 16 points on 78% shooting and 8 rebounds in 22 minutes.  What would he he done in 35 minutes?  We'll never know because Boylan keeps him glued to the bench.


A note to all Bulls season ticket holders:  Please contact the Bulls and let them know how upset you are about this season.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Erin Go Bench

Duhon had to show his tits to get those beads Chris Duhon was unavailable for tonight's blowout loss to the Spurs. The official word was that Duhon had the flu. Bottle flu, maybe? In any case, Serbia has universal health care, so Duhon shouldn't have these health issues next season.

In other news, the Bulls raised ticket prices. Please shoot me.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Bench Hinrich?

Can an Iowan get a table dance?!Kirk Hinrich shot 0-6 for 0 points in over 16 minutes in a loss to the Hornets. For the second game in a row, the Bulls were outscored by 20 points in the fourth quarter. Is this a bad dream? At least Duhon isn't playing...

The Ghost of Kirk Hinrich is shown in the photo above getting his Beetlejuice on. Just as Kirk disappeared in tonight's game, his translucent skin helps him vanish into the background (or at least into that pink and mint polo). The girl on the right chucks up the deuce and shows her homies from Alpha Chi Omega some love. I think this picture was taken at the release party for her latest video.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Client 23

Jordan totally needs a Big Mac right now Everyone knows who Client 9 is, but what about Chicago-based Client 10? Breathe a sigh of relief Charles Oakley, because it is not Michael Jordan. MJ's attorney said:

"I have just received confirmation from Assistant U.S. Attorney Rita Glavin in New York that our client Michael Jordan is neither a subject nor a target of this investigation."

What does it say about you that you have to ask the U.S. Attorney if you are the subject of a prostitution investigation? Jordan's attorney could have simply said "The Emperor's VIP service offered thin girls with above-average looks, so our client obviously had no involvement here."

Based on that photo, Jordan should pray that he's not implicated in a dime bag operation.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Duhon Turns Back on Team, Average White Girl

The King of Lame Girls sits on his throne


Pop the Cristal, Bulls fans.  Duhon doesn't want to be here as much as we want him gone.  Duhon did not just get a DNP-CD, he was listed as inactive in the Bulls' win over the Jazz.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Du Does Durham: The Morning After

More Tubbs than [Davey] Crockett

In the wake of Sunday's punishment, Chris Duhon said that his benching didn't matter because he had not been playing anyway. I'm glad he has a professional attitude. I mean, it's not like the Bulls pay him millions of dollars to show up on time. Although the dollar is generally weak, it is strong against the Serbian Dinar, so he should live comfortably while playing for the Takovo Lions next season.

In the photo above, Duhon hugs a pair of girls with "nice personalities" while wearing a hat from the Uncle Buck collection.

John Candy RIP

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Duhon Does Durham

These losers will have plenty of time for rubbing on each other as neither should be in the league next season Chris Duhon was benched for Sunday's loss to the Pistons after missing the pre-game shootaround. Duhon left the team without permission to see his Duke Blue Devils lose to the UNC Tar Heels. Duhon claims he missed his wake-up call. I'd be out of it, too, after a night of Jager Bombs and talking to D-list girls.

Duke luminaries Jason Williams and Christian Laettner joined Duhon at the game. Apparently, it was NBA Bust Night at Cameron Indoor. In a ceremony hosted by Alaa Abdelnaby, JJ Redick was awarded the prestigious Bobby Hurley Trophy for his NBA performance. Trajan Langdon, honored last year, could not make it as UPS has a strict personal time policy.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Feel-Bad Movie Event of the Winter



Starring Allen Iverson as Tyrus Thomas and Jim Mora as John Paxson.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Duhon Rides Pine, Fat Girl

Girl you look good won't you back that thing up Chris Duhon was glued to the bench in a win over the Grizzlies which saw appearances from Garbage Time All-Stars Shannon Brown and Cedric Simmons. Despite a 30 point lead, Boylan took our advice and kept C-Du out of the action.

In a photo from the archives, Duhon is seen at Medusa's jacking to "The Percolator" in a rayon shirt he bought at Coda. His Zodiac shoes are just out of frame.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

A Tribute to Chris Duhon

Chris Duhon is pre-approved for a 5 year A.R.M.In a stirring tribute to Chris Duhon, Ben Gordon shot 38% and had 5 turnovers in a loss to the Cavs. C-Du climbed the depth chart, though, playing 1 second more than Aaron Gray.

Shown above: After Larry Hughes took all of their minutes, Chris Duhon and Kirk Hinrich enjoy a light moment with their realtors. Ben Gordon is just out of frame talking to his mortgage broker on the cell phone. Adios, fellas!

Friday, February 29, 2008

Welcome Back Du

Chris Duhon has the sweetest Budweiser neon at his house Chris Duhon got off the bench to help the Bulls blow an 18 point halftime lead in a loss to the Wizards. Amazingly, Duhon received a technical foul upon entering the game because his shirt was untucked, leading to a quick point for the Wiz. Soon after, he jacked up and missed an out of rhythm 3. Du finished with 0 points on 0% shooting in about 6 minutes.

In the post-game conference, Boylan said the Bulls "embarrassed the City of Chicago." It looks like the team has caught up with its third string PG, as Duhon has been embarrassing himself around town for years. Shown above, Duhon crashes a Whitney Young graduation party and shoehorns himself into the photo. Cheese! (seriously)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Duhon Still Benched, Needs Sponge

Chris Duhon looks for a roll of Bounty Completing the DNP-CD trilogy, Boylan kept Duhon on the pine as the Bulls beat the Pacers.

Pictured: Duhon breaks into a sweat as he realizes that there are no average looking white girls in the club. The back fat on the girl on the right could not have been helping matters, either.

Non-Duhon Highlight of the Season



What's the best part of this clip?

Zach Randolph's killer crossover?

The 28 footer with 7 seconds on the shot clock?

The off-the-ball movement of the rest of the Knicks?

Isiah Thomas' facial reaction?

All of the above.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Jason Kidd Beats Bulls, Women

I will fuck you up if you touch TJ's fries Duhon's second straight DNP-CD was tempered by the Bulls' second loss in two games. I think Hinrich touched Kidd's son's food before gametime as Kidd barely missed a triple double, going for 11, 9 and 8.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Duhon Benched

Duhon explains the difference between walnuts and chin-nuts DNP-CD!!!

In Boylan's best coached game of the season, Duhon played zero minutes. After the game, Boylan said that he "feels bad for Du." Fan reaction included an impromptu parade on Madison Street.

In a scene from the future, Duhon is depicted dancing at bachelorette parties in Lincoln Park after being bounced from the league. Notice Larry Hughes slipping him a few bucks from off-camera to help him out. It's the least he can do after taking Duhon's minutes.