34% From the Floor; 100% With the Ladies

Chris "more chicks between the sheets than Essence" Duhon tells Obama not to skimp on penicillin coverage in the healthcare reform bill. Interesting note: the hand on the girl's shoulder is actually Duhon's.

Barkley Blows Stop Sign, Breathalyzer; Not Blown

After a long night of partying with Steve Urkel in Scottsdale, Charles Barkley ran a stop sign and was arrested for drunk driving. When asked where he was going, Barkley told the police officer: "I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job," explaining that his date gave him a blow-jay a week earlier and that it was one of the best he had received in his life.  Drunk driving and hanging out with Jaleel White are inexcusable, but I totally understand the part about racing to get a b.j.

Eddy Curry: Big, Tall, Sued

Casual Male sued Eddy Curry for failing to pay for over $40,000 of clothing.  When you sit on the bench in street clothes, you need a big wardrobe.  Perhaps coincidentally, Scott Skiles used to refer to Curry as the "casual male" on defense.

How To Roll a Blount

Former Bulls power forward Corie Blount was arrested in Ohio with 29 pounds of marijuana. Somewhere in Chicago, Joakim Noah shed a tear. Blount's arrest is somewhat surprising given that he graduated with a degree in criminal justice earlier this summer. Student loans are the worst.

Eddy Curry Is A Real Ball Buster, Obese

From Frank Isola's Knicks Knation blog:

Poor Eddy Curry. He sat on the giant blue physio-ball during a break from Monday’s practice and the ball exploded. Eddy fell and scraped his wrist but should be okay. The ball, which is used for stretching exercises, was pronounced dead at the scene.

Trainer Tim Grover might want to re-think including Curry's name on the ATTACK Athletics client list.

Michael Jordan: Porn Star

There has been a lot of talk recently comparing Michael Jordan to Kobe Bryant.  Highlighting one stark difference, here is a story about Jordan getting with a woman in Colorado that does not end in a trial.

In the video above, aging porn star Kylie Ireland details the night the '93 Bulls visited Denver's Diamond Cabaret strip club. As a below average white girl who could probably lose a few pounds, she immediately captivated Michael Jordan and he asked her back to his room. After clearing the tryst with her then-husband, Ireland agreed. MJ shoehorned himself into the starlet's Honda Del Sol and the pair hightailed it back to the hotel. Before getting down to business, Jordan realized he did not have any protection.  Jordan made a call and, moments later, condoms were slipped under the door (courtesy of John Paxson, according to the radio host above). Ireland subsequently recounted the encounter in the well-known literary magazine Sexpose.

Ireland never again reached the rarified celebrity of Michael Jordan, going on to be romanced by the likes of Richard Dreyfuss, Grandpa Munster, Scott Baio and the gay Neal Patrick Harris. She later shot the cinematic masterpiece Face Jam based on her night with Jordan. Confused, I rented that video in '97 hoping that it was a documentary on the Horace Grant - Joan Esposito affair.

Super Mario's Career Off To Great Start

March Madness hero Mario Chalmers was thrown out of the NBA's rookie transition program on Wednesday morning after being caught in his hotel room with marijuana and women.  If the pair in the photo were the women in Chalmers' hotel room, I can understand why he needed the weed.

Jay Mariotti: Rest In Piss

The world's worst sports columnist quit the Sun-Times.

Gold Medals Returned to Rightful Owners

THE REAL WORLD CHAMPS

This one goes out to Greece, Puerto Rico and Argentina...

John Tesh: Street Status

People enjoy laughing at John Tesh, but I'd like to remind everyone that he wrote the greatest song in NBA history. Roundball Rock was the theme for NBC's NBA coverage during the Bulls' glory years. When I hear this song, I don't know if I want to shoot a game winning three or rob someone at gunpoint for their Air Jordans. Maybe both. Roundball Rock is like the basketball version of MOP's Ante Up.

Make jokes about Tesh's band collar shirt and embroidered vest, but don't try to tell me that you don't feel like flipping cars over on Division Street when you hear Roundball Rock during NBC's Olympic basketball coverage. Anyone who can dress like a gay waiter and rock a 12 piece orchestra to inspire sports related violence is worthy of Bench Duhon's Medal of Honor.

DeShawn Wants to Make Love in This Club

Let's just hope that the club isn't filled with 14 year old girls.

A Stunning Likeness

You can be the owner of this incredible t-shirt featuring an airbushed image of an obese Michael Jordan.  Available on eBay for only $50, this is the perfect tee for Weight Watchers meetings, auditions for "What Not to Wear" and matching with your boo at Great America.  The seller also offers other shirts, but it is unknown if fat versions of other NBA players are available. I'd be interested in a fat Kukoc hoodie.

Note to Cedric Simmons: Do Not Paint Your Car Black and Red

Maybe Jamal Crawford wants to buy former Knick Renaldo Balkman's Chevy Caprice. Even Walt Frazier thought the basketball shaped speaker grilles were over the top. This car is destined to join Cam'Ron's pink Range Rover as an all-time joke eBay legend.

In any case, doing something this ridiculous virtually guarantees that you will be traded (sort of like me buying a Kendall Gill Hornets authentic 24 hours before he was traded to the Sonics).

Rose Regulates Adidas, Ready for Next Episode

Hours after inking an endorsement deal with Adidas, Derrick Rose was spotted celebrating with Nate Dogg (at far right). Warren G was unavailable for comment as Subway does not allow employees to take personal phone calls.

Soundtrack to Bench Duhon

For the people who thought Gerald Green's socks and Dwight Howard's Superman cape were interesting dunk accessories, allow me to introduce Top Dog.  Eschewing bare feet and superhero outfits, Top Dog takes flight in gators and a lime blazer. The gabardine trousers alone make Josh Smith's 'Nique throwback look uninspired by comparison.

I'm impressed-- although I heard that it took Top Dog 14 tries to get this photo (like Nate Robinson in the 2006 dunk contest).

Big shout out to Zone-Loc for the tip!