Saturday, March 29, 2008

Where Apathy Happens

Duhon is armed, dangerous and a bad shooterThe Bulls rallied from 22 down to come back to lose to the Hawks in dramatic fashion. Chris Duhon came out of the mothballs to flex the guns and score 7 points on 33% shooting. This loss puts the Bulls 4 games out of the playoff chase with only 10 games to go. As the poet once said, "it's a fajita" for the Bulls' playoff hopes. Look for tickets to remaining games at the UC on eBay for 10 cents on the dollar.

Next season, I do not think Duhon's novelty t-shirts will be as funny in Eastern Europe as they are in the U.S. I heard the Ukrainian Urban Outfitters has shirts in Russian which should have Duhon covered, though. Top sellers include "Stalin is my Homeboy" and "Who is strong like oxen? This guy."

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Drew Gooden is Mistaken

The G.O.A.T.Drew Gooden, who is shooting 0% on 3s and averages 1 assist and less than a block a game this season, recently gave this modest self-assessment:

"I possess the tools. I don't want to sound cocky, but I think I possess everything. I feel like I can pass, block shots, play great defense, play help defense, shoot threes. I believe that I can do it all. "

I say the same thing every time I put down the controller after a successful game of NBA Live 08. The difference between me and Gooden is that I can back it up. Last night, Gooden shot 0-5 for 2 points in 20 minutes in a humiliating loss to the Sixers, while the Palos Hills Toros beat the Lakers by 60 points on Xbox Live.

Advantage: me (and reality).

In Duhon news, C-Du got some nice garbage minutes last night. Duhon scraping himself from the bench reminded me of the Kansas woman whose caboose adhered to a toilet after years of sitting.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Bulls Lose on Purpose

Joakim looks for a way outJim Boylan's superpower is to blow double digit fourth quarter leads by playing inane lineups.  The latest evidence was last night's loss to the Pacers in which Boylan found a way to squander a 13 point advantage in the fourth.  There are about 6 reasons why Boylan blew the game, but putting the shaky defense of 6-3 Ben Gordon on 6-9 Mike Dunleavy (who scored 13 in the fourth) is a main one.  Joakim Noah went for 16 points on 78% shooting and 8 rebounds in 22 minutes.  What would he he done in 35 minutes?  We'll never know because Boylan keeps him glued to the bench.

A note to all Bulls season ticket holders:  Please contact the Bulls and let them know how upset you are about this season.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Erin Go Bench

Duhon had to show his tits to get those beads Chris Duhon was unavailable for tonight's blowout loss to the Spurs. The official word was that Duhon had the flu. Bottle flu, maybe? In any case, Serbia has universal health care, so Duhon shouldn't have these health issues next season.

In other news, the Bulls raised ticket prices. Please shoot me.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Bench Hinrich?

Can an Iowan get a table dance?!Kirk Hinrich shot 0-6 for 0 points in over 16 minutes in a loss to the Hornets. For the second game in a row, the Bulls were outscored by 20 points in the fourth quarter. Is this a bad dream? At least Duhon isn't playing...

The Ghost of Kirk Hinrich is shown in the photo above getting his Beetlejuice on. Just as Kirk disappeared in tonight's game, his translucent skin helps him vanish into the background (or at least into that pink and mint polo). The girl on the right chucks up the deuce and shows her homies from Alpha Chi Omega some love. I think this picture was taken at the release party for her latest video.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Client 23

Jordan totally needs a Big Mac right now Everyone knows who Client 9 is, but what about Chicago-based Client 10? Breathe a sigh of relief Charles Oakley, because it is not Michael Jordan. MJ's attorney said:

"I have just received confirmation from Assistant U.S. Attorney Rita Glavin in New York that our client Michael Jordan is neither a subject nor a target of this investigation."

What does it say about you that you have to ask the U.S. Attorney if you are the subject of a prostitution investigation? Jordan's attorney could have simply said "The Emperor's VIP service offered thin girls with above-average looks, so our client obviously had no involvement here."

Based on that photo, Jordan should pray that he's not implicated in a dime bag operation.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Duhon Turns Back on Team, Average White Girl

The King of Lame Girls sits on his throne

Pop the Cristal, Bulls fans.  Duhon doesn't want to be here as much as we want him gone.  Duhon did not just get a DNP-CD, he was listed as inactive in the Bulls' win over the Jazz.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Du Does Durham: The Morning After

More Tubbs than [Davey] Crockett

In the wake of Sunday's punishment, Chris Duhon said that his benching didn't matter because he had not been playing anyway. I'm glad he has a professional attitude. I mean, it's not like the Bulls pay him millions of dollars to show up on time. Although the dollar is generally weak, it is strong against the Serbian Dinar, so he should live comfortably while playing for the Takovo Lions next season.

In the photo above, Duhon hugs a pair of girls with "nice personalities" while wearing a hat from the Uncle Buck collection.

John Candy RIP

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Duhon Does Durham

These losers will have plenty of time for rubbing on each other as neither should be in the league next season Chris Duhon was benched for Sunday's loss to the Pistons after missing the pre-game shootaround. Duhon left the team without permission to see his Duke Blue Devils lose to the UNC Tar Heels. Duhon claims he missed his wake-up call. I'd be out of it, too, after a night of Jager Bombs and talking to D-list girls.

Duke luminaries Jason Williams and Christian Laettner joined Duhon at the game. Apparently, it was NBA Bust Night at Cameron Indoor. In a ceremony hosted by Alaa Abdelnaby, JJ Redick was awarded the prestigious Bobby Hurley Trophy for his NBA performance. Trajan Langdon, honored last year, could not make it as UPS has a strict personal time policy.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Feel-Bad Movie Event of the Winter

Starring Allen Iverson as Tyrus Thomas and Jim Mora as John Paxson.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Duhon Rides Pine, Fat Girl

Girl you look good won't you back that thing up Chris Duhon was glued to the bench in a win over the Grizzlies which saw appearances from Garbage Time All-Stars Shannon Brown and Cedric Simmons. Despite a 30 point lead, Boylan took our advice and kept C-Du out of the action.

In a photo from the archives, Duhon is seen at Medusa's jacking to "The Percolator" in a rayon shirt he bought at Coda. His Zodiac shoes are just out of frame.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

A Tribute to Chris Duhon

Chris Duhon is pre-approved for a 5 year A.R.M.In a stirring tribute to Chris Duhon, Ben Gordon shot 38% and had 5 turnovers in a loss to the Cavs. C-Du climbed the depth chart, though, playing 1 second more than Aaron Gray.

Shown above: After Larry Hughes took all of their minutes, Chris Duhon and Kirk Hinrich enjoy a light moment with their realtors. Ben Gordon is just out of frame talking to his mortgage broker on the cell phone. Adios, fellas!